Are you into horror films? Like, REALLY into horror films? We call bullshit. No one is more into horror than our mainline to the under-verse, Haley. She breaks down your favorite scary flicks better than you knew possible. Her keen eye catches the scene within the scene and gives her the skills to critique films so you lucky High Fivers can glean a deeper knowledge of the psychology that is unique to the horror genre. Welcome, to the Gates of Haley.

Trying the Movies You’re Too Afraid to Choose Because They Might Be Shitty

The Alchemist Cookbook

Yes, I’m back on the subject of those random movies that look, well, shitty. I’ve decided to take on the task every now and then to try out movies that look shitty but have an enticing storyline and eye-catching cover art (don’t act like you don’t do the same). I mean come on, there are a plethora of movies being released every day, so it soon becomes difficult to find something that’s entertaining, or you haven’t seen ten thousand times. That’s why I’m here to help sift through the goods (and the bads) of indie horror.

We start the quiet, slow-burning story in the middle of what appears to be a mental breakdown, suffered by our main character, Sean. Suffering from intense paranoias that are subdued by his medicine, Sean separates himself from humanity with his pet cat and the random company of his friend Cortez. Sean immerses himself in the art of alchemy and finds solace in his small cabin in the woods. But Cortez forgets Sean’s medicine on a grocery run, Sean soon begins to lose his grip on reality, and his innocent dabbling in alchemy soon turns into much darker projects, and the sounds in the woods seem to be getting closer…

The Alchemist Cookbook contains all the building blocks of a creepy and unsettling story, but falls flat regardless of the infamously creepy cabin in the woods stigma and the primitive fear that comes from being alone, and being scared of the unknown. Each part of the movie is introduced as chapters, the only purpose of them is making sure you didn’t fall asleep during the first-hour snooze-fest. This, along with the uncomfortably loud and obnoxious opera music, make for a great alarm clock.

A very (very… very) slow build up lets us see in depth the disintegration of a young man’s mind. Director Joel Potrykus bring us on a riveting journey with subtle hints into a much deeper story but lacks in execution. The characters virtually have no background, you don’t know anything about them, and learning to care about these characters is pretty much impossible. Unless you’ve re-watched with information and breakdowns from a Reddit blog, that is. Even though the ideas Potrykus lays out on the table are original and clever, over-the-top acting and extremely awkward facial expressions pull this movie into the unfortunate pile of “Forgettable”.

After this unfortunate unfolding of events, I decided to stick with the movie just so I could at least get some sort of answer and tying all of the loose ends we had been lobbed for the entirety of the film. My good deeds went unnoticed. After an hour and a half of suffering through, I was gifted with the laziest and most poorly done ending that I have ever encountered.

Conclusion: HELL no

Unless you feel like being the friend that picked a doozy for movie night, steer clear of this one. However, if you like a story that requires a few re-watches and tells a very dark story (when you separate the strangeness from the actual story) this is for you.

What are some horror movies you’ve had your eye on but too nervous to pick? Find me on Twitter and send me some movies that you would rather me suffer through!

About the Author (of Your Doom)

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