Holidays seem to just come around and smack you in the face every year. Unfortunately, if you’re any sort of procrastinator like me, you haven’t planned a single thing for Halloween (including your costume. You can’t be a black cat every year, Jessica! At least go for the homemade angel this year.) and you’re feeling very pressured to make sure you and your friends have that bomb-ass fright night out that you may or may not even remember. Luckily for you all, I’ve compiled a list of a few procrastinator-friendly Halloween tips for the adrenaline junkies, homebodies, you-who-don’t-like-to-spend-money, and yes, even the couples.
And the kids… fuck them kids.
This Halloween belongs to us depressed adults in desperate need of an excuse to drink now!
I. Local Attractions (…Yeah, I Said It)
Ah, that shitty jump-scare fiesta that your friends have taken on the task of dressing up and handling the business of scaring the local crowd in a rundown building your town keeps forgetting about until this God-
forsaken holiday. Too bad for you, you didn’t plan out travel fees and now your pockets say fifteen dollars, but you and your date are feeling like a million bucks in your matching costumes. That’s when you hop on to HauntWorld.com, which is a super cool website that can direct you to all the local goings-on, anything from hayrides to ghost tours. It’s 100% free to search the 7,500 attractions they have listed. Search by state or zipcode to get closer to the scare you wanted, without having to travel for the shit you see on TV. Don’t ever say I don’t do anything for you.
II. Netflix Movie Date (Hear Me Out)
Look I used to talk a whole lot of smack about Netflix and their absolute trash horror selection, but this year they’ve actually come through for us poor folk who are just trying to watch a scary movie that doesn’t make me wish I was one of the victims. But between Train to Busan, Candyman, and the newly-released Netflix original Eli, there’s plenty of terror to go around. I’ve also compiled a list of not-so-Netflix friendly movies on my twitter (@omfghay) that will feed your appetite. Then, to make a half-assed date night a little more whole-assed, grab a sheet of those Pillsbury sugar cookies and toss them in the oven, because what sort of ungrateful son of a witch is going to be mad about that?
III. The Local Bar (… For The Seventh Time This Week)
Sorry Gerald, you don’t get to be a chooser when you don’t make plans ahead of time! No but for real, I’m minutely sympathizing with you (not really, because who doesn’t plan for Halloween, but I guess I would be out of a job this week if you did) and I’m giving you my best advice. Your local bars and drinking venues are almost definitely throwing Halloween parties throughout the week. The cool thing about hitting the local bars is the holiday drink specials, and the fact that you can dress up as a clown and everyone who knows you agrees that it suits you well, and who doesn’t love compliments!? Facebook, Twitter, IG, and word of mouth are your best bet to hit the right spots at the right time. Don’t think of it as bar-hopping! Think more… adult trick-or-treating. Except instead of a sugar rush, you get a hangover…and the shits.
IV. (I’ve Even Got You) A Costume
Okay, obviously you can’t stunt your cheap Halloween without having a costume to match. But don’t fret, I’m sure most of you own a glue gun and black jeans. There’s this really cool website, you might have heard of it, called Pinterest that can save your ass from virtually anything via DIY crafts. I know, sounds like a lot of effort but like I said before you don’t have a choice and my Cashapp is for receiving only so I’m doing my best. But seriously, type in any idea you have or a costume in the search bar and I can almost guarantee the results won’t fail you. Anything from a peacock to an elaborate pirate costume for you low-key seamstresses, Pinterest has got it. And not only costumes, but step by steps on recipes, party-ideas, and more. Sounds like an easy way out and I’m here for it.
V. Carve a Fucking Pumpkin (Your Girlfriend Might Stay With You)
It’s almost crazy how people (including me) see, like, a thousand pumpkins during the month of October and kind of forgot those are like…real things. Be honest, is it just me or have we stopped carving those things?! Or maybe it’s the fact I’m 22 now… whatever that’s beside the point. Look, dude, I promise you, just make a quick trip by Walmart of Kroger or whatever has that big wooden box of pumpkins and bring home that and the whole kit to your girl. I promise that twenty dollar purchase for you two to awkwardly stab a vegetable is going to remind her that she means something! Plus it’s a super cute post for her Instagram, and that’s more “Aww you guys are cute!” and that’s less arguments with you about you not doing enough. Look at that, I saved your Halloween and your relationship.
I’m sure you might be feeling very attacked right now, but that’s just because I, too, have procrastinated my favorite holiday and I’m in the same boat with you. I’ve got five dollars and an incessant need to fuel my Halloween fire and by-golly if I have to do things this way that’s how I’m going to do them. But I have the feeling that if we all just take a breather, a laugh, and really enjoy what you have and the people you have, your holiday season is going to kick off perfectly.
Or you can let your bank account give you the final scare.
Happy Halloweening!
Haley
About the Author (of Your Doom)
